The Dragon's Guide to School Survival
by risika-dragon
Summary: How are next year students shown around the Anischool? Well, you'll have to see as Rissa guides them around. Guest appearence of Sargimf and AX. How can poor Iniss stand it? Beware falling ceilings!


Yes, this in no way complicates with Purgatory Bust or Resurrection Code. Just something I thought of when bored. Rissa (moi) gets bored, so she goes to the least boring place ever: school. Well, a school with aliens underground and shape shifting students. Enjoy!

Warning: Some events are based off the book and a few instances at my school, especially the ceiling thing. So any f this could happen to you.

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**The Dragon's Guide to School Survival**

It was a dreary day at the Animorphs school, especially for a group of sixth graders fidgeting in the office. Vice Principal Chapman, a.k.a. whiny, little Yeerk Iniss, was trying to cheer them up…unsuccessfully. "Now, one of the seniors here will be showing you around our combined middle and high school. He should be here in…"

Suddenly, the secretary popped in and whispered in his ear. Iniss, ahem, _Chapman_ groaned. "And who recommended maple-and-ginger oatmeal for school breakfast?" More whispering. "I'm going to kill Ellie… We're supposed to be inconspicuous…" He realized he'd been speaking aloud and turned red at the students' confused expressions. "I mean, um, it's…"

Thankfully, a sophomore girl with long, crimson hair and dark blue-gray eyes walked in. She beamed at all of them. "Well, well, well, here's our new victims…I mean, precious young minds."

Iniss paled. "What happened to Henry Perotta?"

Rissa grinned. "He got a little, shall we say, tied up at the moment." She glanced back at the smaller kids. "Remember children, the cafeteria spaghetti may be inedible, but very useful as an adhesive. Hey, don't give me looks. At my last school, we found a few tacks in our salad."

A few kids gulped and decided they'd pack their lunches from now on.

"Rissa, must you do that?" Iniss hissed, actually acting like an adult when not around most Yeerks. "There is nothing wrong with the school's food."

Rissa snorted. "Yeah, and Osama's got a Nobel Peace Prize waiting." She raised an eyebrow. "What's up with you? I just saw a picture of you with bunny ears and a picture of V1 in the hall."

"What? Where?"

"Ellie gave me one of the copies in the hall."

Iniss sped away, in Mission Impossible mode.

Relieved of one complication, Rissa ushered her band of not-so-merry kids into the hall, leading them past rooms. "Now, a few rules you should know. One, stay with a buddy, since this place is not responsible if you get shish kebobbed by alien lizards, trampled by blue deer, or infected by slug parasites." A few girls squealed in terror. "Two, like our dear vice principal over there, some teachers may or may not be convicted pedophiles."

"Miss, how come you're carrying a knife in your belt?" a boy asked. "Isn't that against school policy?"

Rissa snorted. "Yeah, it's also against school policy for hammerheads to be swimming in the pools." A few kids whispered in frantic tones. "Don't worry. You should be more afraid of the dances. Last year, one of the kids grew a furry, blue eyestalk after he drank some punch."

Her anecdote was interrupted by a red blast of light coming from one of the rooms. There was a burning smell and a man screamed, "Damn you, Andalite!"

"What's going on?" a girl whispered.

"Eh, we have problems with the electricity in this school, especially with crappy lighting. Low budget. Why else would the middle and high school be together?" the redhead summarized.

Just then, a loud snarling was heard in the same room.

"Oh my God. That sounded like a wolf!" one of the girls said.

"Um, yep. See, that's the biology room and we like to know our studies personally." A red line of liquid flowed from under the door. "And, oh, the specimen seems to be in heat, so let's walk. Now we're walking, we're walking…" She paused to point at a guy in a gray uniform. "Hey, there's our bravest security officer on the job. Hey, Joe!"

The man ran ran past them, screaming courageously, "I QUIT! THIS PLACE IS INFESTED WITH GIANT BUGS! I HATE CENTIPEDES! I WANT MY MOMMY!"

The group passed a janitor closet and Rissa stopped them for a moment. "Now, don't be led into spare closets, kiddies. They brainwash you with Meow Mix commercials like the U.S. government does to Iraqi prisoners and you walk out all boring and giddy. Listen to their panicked screams." She opened the door an inch outwards and a piercing wail suddenly rose, especially to her own surprise.

A kid fainted.

"Someone carry him to the nurse's office, please? The ceiling might fall on his head and the parents will sue this school like they did at mine. Good times," Rissa mumbled, much to the shock of the boys and girls.

A boy who was almost a foot taller than Rissa appeared around the corner, with shocking green, long hair ad wearing Gothic black clothes, nibbling on a Twizzler. He smiled at Rissa and came over for a hug. He muttered, "How much longer must I walk around in this host? Even the hair color you suggested isn't helping."

"Host?" a boy gasped, eyes wide.

"Sargimf, honey, remember when you pigged out on candy before? We don't need another host needing his stomach pumped," Rissa snapped. She turned back to the kids. "Now, if I'm not here to guide you, Sargimf will gladly take my place and protect you from bullies for a nominal fee."

"You're going to steal our lunch money?" a girl muttered.

"I prefer the term, unorthodox wealth distribution. Besides, what's more important? Your lunch or your mind?" He grinned eerily at them. "There are stranger things in Heaven and Earth kiddies."

"What's that supposed to mean?" a boy asked.

"You'll learn soon enough when our _sharing _is done," Sargimf said, giggling. "Act now and the price will be a measly $19.99 per semester. You couldn't get a better deal in a Bug Fight--I mean, car commercial." He made a small bow. "Excuse me, but they're selling more of those Stickie Pix in Carbonara's room."

"Pixie Sticks," a guy corrected, but shuddered from the green-haired boy's glare.

The weird, emo guy left and Rissa led them down yet another hallway, pointing out all the different varieties of classes. "Other there is history, where you learn about a bunch of dead white men and their pushover wives. There's English literature, written by a bunch of dead white guys with nothing better to do. There's science, where you learn that it's the _genes_ fault for white people hating my black brothers."

A kid with glasses raised an eyebrow. "Aren't you white?"

"Shut it, Ku Klux Kid," the guide snapped. "Mostly, students, the teachers teach you boring stuff that's not even on the tests that get you into college. I'd advise you just to get the hell out of here and get your G.E.D.s. Or buy some weed and zone out, whichever you prefer."

They suddenly spotted a kid, a rather good looking guy that was also kind of pretty, licking the floor. There was a spilled can of Pepsi rolling away from him. "Swa-sweet. Delicious. Dee liche oooous. Humans have such wonderful tastes. Ace."

"What's wrong with him?" a girl squealed.

"That's what you'll be in a couple years if you study hard and like candy," Rissa explained. "Say hello to Phillip. Phillip, haven't you missed out a counseling session that was almost _two hours _ago?" She winked.

"Phillip" glanced upwards, suspicious, but looked at a watch around his wrist and gasped. He leapt off the floor and ran to the nearest lavatory, but not before his skin suddenly turned azure blue and a stump shot out of his ass.

Now half the selected sixth-graders had fainted.

Rissa breathed a sigh of relief. "Whew. Now we won't have to buy those new desks and textbooks for another year." She smirked. "I love this job." She noticed that the other half were either crying or shaking in fear, and she decided to console them. "Now, now, kiddies. I want to show you my _favorite_ room here."

They whimpered.

They went into a random classroom, where Chapman happened to be talking on what looked like a space age cell phone. He clicked it off--cells, whether human or alien made, aren't allowed in school--and waited patiently for them to leave.

Rissa waved at the desks and walls. "Now, a year or two ago, a few students here heard a gun shot. At the same time, one of our favorite teachers had been raving mad minutes before and after the bang, disappeared. It's rumored around here that someone murdered him in this very room. Spooky, huh?"

Chapman had gone a few shades paler for some reason. "Now, that's only a rumor. There's no such evidence that could hold up that case."

"No sir," Rissa scoffed and pointed. "You can still see some blood on that wall."

Chapman whirled around. "What? We had that painted over!" He stopped and covered his ears as the sixth graders screamed bloody murder. He sighed. "Visser Three's going to skin me alive," he moaned. "But not as much as these kids' parents…"

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So, how do you like?


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